Monday Market Open

Good fucking morning, it’s Monday, July 14th and the market’s stumbling in like it just woke up naked on a golf course with a hangover, a gun, and no memory of the last 72 hours. Powell’s got a target on his back, Bitcoin’s hard as hell, and Trump SPACs are lining up for their next moon mission.

This ain’t your daddy’s stock market, it’s a casino strapped to a bottle rocket. CLBR’s turning into $PEW this week, and if history’s any guide, we’re about to get the same Trump-spiced chaos that launched PSQH and DJT into the fuckin’ stratosphere.

So chug your coffee, kiss your cash goodbye, and let’s get weird. The charts are twitching, the rats are pissing, and we’re here for the mayhem.

Tariffs
TARIFFS MAKING IT RAIN

Trump’s trade war just pulled a record $27 billion surplus. That's right—June was flush. America hasn’t had a June that green since your mom's thong in Cabo.

Tariffs working? Who gives a fuck. Numbers go up. We gotta give this one to Trump, nobody was expecting that shit.

SPAC
$CLBR: PEW PEW MOTHAFUCKA

This week $CLBR puts it to a vote and becomes $PEW, which is objectively the most badass ticker since $DJT. Trump Jr. is on the board of directors and if you’ve got a functioning brain and even half a chub for Trump SPACs, you know what that means: hijinks, fuckery, and face-melting gains.

Let’s look at what happened to the other SPACs:
– $PSQH dipped 13% before vote—everyone cried “rug!”—then ripped to $16 and nuked shorts straight into orbit, topping out at $35.
– $DJT fumbled 15% the day before the vote too, but that’s nothing when it’s already hit $175 before. Then it climbed again to $52 after merger.

Point is, these things play dead like possums, then they get up and start humping your face with tendies. With PEW, you’ve got gun stocks, Trump fans, and a ticker that literally goes “pew pew.” If you don’t think retail’s gonna dump their rent money into this, you’ve clearly never seen a QAnon meme on Facebook.

Crypto
BITCOIN SOARS LIKE AN EAGLE

BTC is now over $120,000 and you could hear a rat piss on cotton. If you listened last week, you’re up big. If not? Well, there’s always nutsack-flavoured ramen.

We said it was coiled up like your ex on tequila and now it’s pumping like a gas station dick pill. All-time highs. Again.

Federal Reserve
RENO GONE WRONG - POWELL IN TROUBLE?

$700 million in marble countertops and heated toilet seats? Trump’s team says that's grounds for firing Powell.

If he gets canned, forget rate hikes: SPY’s going to 1200. Inflation? Who gives a shit. We’re not here for stability. We’re here for the ride. Venezuela us, daddy.

So grab a beer, check your bags at the door, and trade like you’ve got nothing left to lose. Because if this keeps up, none of us are getting out alive, but we might get rich first.