Monday Market Open

It’s August 11 and summer’s slippin’ through your greasy little fingers.
You thought you had time. You thought you could coast through August, maybe squeeze one more weekend on the boat, one more patio bender, one more blackout in a stranger’s pool.

But no, this asshole of a market just woke up, put on a tracksuit, and started cracking kneecaps like Tony at the Bing.

This is why we built Fucked Finance, so you don’t end up face-down in the Hudson wearing cement shoes. We’re your family now. You get the tips from us, alls we ask is you share this shit with your crew. That’s how the family eats.

New AI
CHATGPT-5: OPENAI DROPPED THE BALL?

Sam Altman dropped GPT-5 like it was the second coming, then yanked 4o like your girl catching you DM’ing an ex. Turns out GPT-5 ain’t god, it’s just GPT-4 with a personal trainer and a spray tan.

Hype was for Superintelligence. What we got? Super letdown. The backlash was so nuclear they had to reanimate 4o from the AI morgue.

If markets start catching on that the AI ceiling’s lower than expected, this whole “we’re all gonna be replaced” trade might catch a soft rug.

Chips
NVDA+AMD: SAY HELLO TO DONALD SOPRANO

15% to the boss. That’s the vig now if you wanna sling GPUs in China. NVDA and AMD just kissed the ring. Mr. Trump don’t run a government, he runs a fucking casino; and every table’s got a rake.

Doesn’t matter if you make chips or chocolate bars, you pay the toll to the Don or your stock ends up in the Jersey river swimming with the fishes, Capiche?

Who’s next in line for the envelope drop-off at the White House valet?

Crypto
ETHEREUM: THE LONGEST HODL

ETH has been on an absolute heater since we lit the signal flare here at Fucked Finance. The face-rip rally is on, and we don’t think it’s done yet.

Let your winners run, you beautiful degenerate. It’s about time ETH holders came out of the goon cave and touched grass. ETH’s back baby, and this time, she’s not asking permission.

Pick of the Week
$GLXY: READY FOR LIFTOFF

With crypto flashing green like a strip club on payday, $GLXY looks about as coiled as a rattlesnake ready to snap. Bull flag’s been forming tighter than your balls in a cold plunge.

One spark and this thing goes full rattle → lunge → fucking neckbite. You’ll either be riding the rocket or watching from the ditch wondering why you ever sold at resistance.