Monday Market Open

It’s July 7th, and the market just stumbled back in reeking of fireworks, whiskey, and poor decisions.

Eyes bloodshot, wallet empty, dick itchy. Wall Street’s dragging itself to the table like a degenerate who blacked out mid-hand and pissed in the chip tray.

You’re hungover, undercapitalized, and already down two bets, but fuck it. You came to play.

Let’s deal this filthy bitch and see who still remembers how to win.

Market Indices & Commodities

Politics
ELON’S AMERICA (INDIA) PARTY

Elon’s making a new political party because he’s still pissed about his break-up with Daddy Trump. It’s called the “America Party,” which is funny because it's probably gonna be 70% Indian H-1B visa holders. WHY DID YOU REDEEM IT??!!!

Bro really woke up and said “libertarianism... but stupider.” This is the natural breakup. Trump and Elon had the bromance. But Trump’s the kind of guy who fucks and leaves. Elon caught feelings.

Now he’s launching a third party like a kid who just found out daddy doesn't love him back. TSLA’s down premarket because investors know exactly what this is: a public midlife crisis with Twitter fingers.

Tariffs
TACO TIME… DID YOU BRING THE HOT SAUCE?

The U.S. extended the tariff pause again. New deadline: August 1. This is like that ex who says “I just need time to think”—every fucking month—while she’s actually getting railed by the guy with neck tattoos and a motorcycle.

Nobody gives a fuck about tariffs anymore. We already know they’re gonna delay it again. Tariffs are the financial equivalent of that fart you hold in during sex and then blame on the dog.

TACO = They Always Continue On. We don’t even know why we’re reporting this. It’s like updating people that your grandpa’s still racist. Not news. Just vibes.

AI Research
AI BUBBLE CHECK: CLIPPY WITH A BONER

We’re balls-deep in an AI bubble. Everyone’s betting on robo-gods that’ll suck you off, file your taxes, and lie to your girlfriend. But a new study from Carnegie Mellon just ripped a fat one in that fantasy; turns out AI agents fuck up 62–70% of basic office tasks.

Can’t answer emails, can’t schedule meetings, clicks spam like a horny grandpa. Basically a drunk intern with a raging boner and explosive diarrhea.

And that’s a problem, because this bubble ain’t built on AI doing data entry. It’s built on the fantasy of full-blown AGI dominatrix overlords. If your billion-dollar bot can’t attach a PDF, maybe we’re not so close to the singularity.

For now the market is in full-blown rocket fuel mode, but it’s good to keep an eye on these things so you don’t get caught with your hand in the cookie jar when it all goes tits up.

Crypto
BITCOIN: STRIP TEASE BEFORE THE SQUEEZE

Bitcoin’s been working the pole just under all-time highs: slow, controlled, teasing the crowd with that sideways action. Volume’s dead, dollar’s weak, and everyone’s stuffing singles into this setup like they know what’s coming.

You don’t build a base this clean unless you're getting ready to swing around and wreck someone’s marriage.

Stablecoins are mainstream. Tokenization’s spreading like an STI at a pool party. Liquidity’s back and baby oil is dripping.

This is the setup. BTC’s not stuck—it’s just putting on a show before it climbs on your lap and drains your fucking wallet.