Monday Market Open

Dear Winner,

We are deeply apologetic that we couldn’t get you Monday Market Open at Monday Market Open, we were too busy getting fucked by the markets.

As you all may know, Trump caused some massive turmoil in the markets the past few days, wiping out almost $6M in US equities after he announced Tariffs on the whole fucking globe.

But lads, lets keep our heads high and cocks hard and make the most out of this mega dip.

Market Indices & Commodities

News
The Recap

In case you missed it, forgot, overslept, drank too much, were traveling, or whatever the case may be…

• Trump Announces fucked tariffs across the map

• Gold Hits $3,100/lb

• Market Pulls Back -10% (4th worst 2-day crash since WW2)

• Global Retaliation In response, China imposed a 34% tariff on U.S. goods

Graph of the Day
S&P 500 IS NOW THE S&P 499

News
This week

Well, like a cigarette after sex, here are the things to look forward to this week:

• Monday: Federal Reserve Closed Board Meeting: The Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System is anticipated to hold a closed meeting at 11:30 a.m. ET to review and determine the advance and discount rates to be charged by the Federal Reserve Banks. ​

• Tuesday: NFIB Small Business Optimism Index (6:00 a.m. ET), earnings from WD-40, Tilray, and RPM; Fed’s Mary Daly speaks.

• Wednesday: FOMC Meeting Minutes Release: At 2:00 p.m. ET, the Federal Open Market Committee (FOMC) will release the minutes from its March 18–19 meeting, providing insights into the Fed's economic outlook and potential policy adjustments.

• Thursday: Consumer Price Index (CPI) Release: The Bureau of Labor Statistics will publish the Consumer Price Index for March at 8:30 a.m. ET. This key inflation measure will be closely monitored for indications of price stability or inflationary pressures. ​

• Friday: Major Financial Institutions' Earnings Reports: JPMorgan Chase: Scheduled to announce first-quarter 2025 earnings before the market opens, with a conference call at 8:30 a.m. ET, Wells Fargo: Plans to release its first-quarter earnings at approximately 7:00 a.m. ET, followed by a live conference call at 10:00 a.m. ET, BlackRock: Set to report first-quarter earnings before the market opens, with a conference call scheduled for 7:30 a.m. ET. ​

Now You Know 
Trade Tensions Escalate

President Trump is threatening to slap an extra 50% in tariffs on Chinese imports unless China backs off a recent 34% hike in its trade measures by April 8, 2025. If he goes through with it, total tariffs on Chinese goods would jump to 104%, further escalating an already tense trade situation during a rough time for global markets.

The news sent stocks fucking plummeting, and financial leaders—including Fed Chair Jerome Powell and firms like Goldman Sachs—are warning this could push the U.S. closer to a recession. Still, Trump says he’s not budging unless a deal clearly benefits the U.S.

The ripple effects are being felt across the map. European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen is even talking about shifting trade away from the U.S., and leaders from Japan and Israel are starting to scheme shit as well. Meanwhile, Elon Musk and Bill Ackman are concerned about where this mess is heading.

Bottom line: The situation is fluid, tensions are rising, and markets are reacting. For all you degen investors, just be weary, who fucking knows what will happen, just don’t trade or invest out of emotion.

^{_{Thank You}}
That’s all, Folks

Hey, thank you for checking out Monday Market Open. I hope you enjoyed it, learned something new, and are feeling ready to attack the week. Keep an eye on your inbox for more Alpha coming your way this week.

Cheers,