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The Shit to Know Thursdays
Yeah, yeah—we’ve been quiet a couple weeks.
Markets were wild. Memes went harder. You probably made or lost a fortune. Who’s counting?
But we’re back, baby.
And this time, the asylum’s running the show.
Introducing your new headcase-in-chief of the newsletter: The Joker.
Not some depressed art-school dropout—we’re talking the Clown Prince of Capitalism.
He trades volatility like napalm, bets big on human weakness, and laughs all the way to the fucking bank.
Now buckle up. Let’s get into it.
Market Indices & Commodities
| Gold | $3,318.00 | +0.42% |
| Copper | $4.27 | -0.59% |
| Silver | $32.44 | +0.11% |
| NASDAQ | $20.071.4 | +1.00% |
| S&P 500 | $5,663.95 | +0.58% |
| TSX | $25,254.06 | +0.37% |
| CSE | $119.58 | +1.17% |
War
INDIA VS. PAKISTAN: THE GHOST OF KASHMIR STRIKES AGAIN
India lit up a Pakistani border post this week. No casualties—just pride and port-a-potties.
Viral clip shows drones dropping bombs that look like turds.
Locals claim it was The Ghost of Kashmir—a lone Indian operator with IBS and a grudge.
Politics
TRUMP MOGS CARNEY — OVAL ORIFICE EDITION
Canada’s finance soyboy Mark Carney waddled into the Oval Office—or should we say the Oval Orifice—to brown-nose Trump like a man begging for his job back.
He pleaded for trade mercy, a handshake, maybe even a LinkedIn endorsement.
Trump’s reply? “You’ll get nothing and like it.”
Real recognize real. Carney ain’t it.
Market News
JPOW HOLDS THE LINE — TRUMP WANTS A CUT
Markets jumped after U.S.–China talks in Switzerland were confirmed.
But the real drama? FOMC just dropped the hammer.
Powell held rates steady at 4.25%–4.50%, citing rising risks of both inflation and unemployment.
His message:
“We believe that the current stance of monetary policy leaves us well positioned to respond in a timely way to potential economic developments.”
Translation: No cuts until something breaks.
Trump’s been screaming for rate cuts, but Powell's not budging.
The stage is set for a monetary cage match.
Joker’s Thursday Picks
JOKER PICKS: FAT, LAZY, AND PRINTING CASH!
Ahh-ha-ha-ha! You know what I love more than chaos, kiddies? Predictability.
And nothing’s more predictable than good ol’ fashioned American laziness!
Why walk when you can ride? Why cook when you can click? Why live when you can stream?
Here’s this week’s winning hand from your Clown Prince of Capitalism:
$DASH – They bring the slop right to your couch!
$UBER – You’ve got two legs and still call a ride. Bravo!
$NFLX – Entertainment for the masses… and the masses are massive!
$SPOT – Because silence is scary, isn’t it, buttercup?
$TSLA – “Green energy,” they say… as they guzzle Cheetos in autopilot!
So here’s the play:
Buy the bloat. Ride the sloth. Laugh all the way to the bank! Heh-heh-heh-HAH-hahahAHAHAHA!
See you next week, freaks. Same bat time. Same fat stocks. Same sick show.