The Shit to Know Thursdays

Do you know what day it is? Yeah, it’s Thursday, but that doesn’t fucking matter. What matters is that today’s the day you LOCK THE FUCK IN.

We’re in one of the greatest market bubbles of all time: AI, energy, defense, rare earths, you name it. And you’re sitting on the couch whining that the game’s rigged? That the big boys always win?

Get your ass up out of the cuck chair and start HUSTLING. No sad cunts allowed. Here at Fucked Finance, we’re here to help you break into the Upper Echelon of Financial Freedom. So take 5 minutes to read this letter, and share it with your friends too. Because we’re all gonna make it, brahs. 

Rare Earths
$MP GETS THAT APPLE JUICE

Apple just went America First on rare earths. They’re ditching China and going steady with Mountain Pass aka $MP. Stock is up 7 points pre-market on the news.

Trump gave it the MAGA nod, and now this stock is humping the charts like it just snorted helium and freedom. Tim Cook came into the oval orifice and kissed the ring (yeah, that one) promising Trump to invest $600 billion in the US, and you can bet $MP is going to see a big chunk of that.

Rare earths are no joke; they power iPhones, fighter jets, and probably your mom’s vibrator. Trade accordingly.

New AI Releases
AI IS HAVING ITS SUPERBOWL WEEK

GPT-5. Claude 4.1. Genie 3. If you're not foaming at the mouth, you’re already behind. This is the AI Arms Race and everyone’s launching nukes.

Forget summer, it’s Replace All Humans Season. Buy chips. Buy compute. Buy every ticker with ".ai" and a dream. Just don’t ask the bots to lick your sack, unless you want everyone over at xAI to know what a 3-incher looks like.

The market will be watching carefully to see the new advancements in the technology that is fueling this market bubble. So far the rate of progress has been insane, and there’s no reason to expect these giants to slow down now. Keep an eye on $NVDA to gauge the market’s reaction—that’ll be the tell.

Big Dog Bets
BETTING PROP OF THE FUCKING YEAR

Dildo watch is live on Polymarket. The bet? Will a sex toy hit the court during a WNBA game. We’re being completely serious: this market has more volume than the actual game outcome.

Authorities banned bags, but you know damn well that’s not stopping the degenerates. Here at VHLA, we find a way. 

We’re not telling you to bet on airborne cock... but we’re not telling you not to either. Especially if you know a way to guarantee the odds are in your favour. Remember kids, the house always wins.

Canadian Tyrants
CLIMATE LOCKDOWNS HIT NOVA SCOTIA

Premier Tim “Faggot” Houston of Nova Scotia dropped the hammer: no hiking, no fishing, no bushcraft jerking off in the woods, or you’ll eat a $25,000 fine.

The reason? They’re saying its about wildfires, but we’re not drinking their kool-aid. These retarded elites can’t seem to make up their minds, first the wildfires were happening due to “climate change” and now it’s because people are going on hikes? This shit smells a lot like the climate lockdowns your unvaxxed uncle was ranting about.

Keep an eye on the rest of the provinces to follow suit. We’re predicting British Columbia is next; if Carney has his way, your backyard’s about to be a crime scene. He couldn’t get a win on Trade with Trump, so might as well take out his anger on the Sheeple of Canada.